beth's dreams

new blog!

2010-10-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

my blog has moved! reach me here:

storiesbyindigoheart.blogspot.com

see you there!

blog maakeover!

2010-07-11T04:29:00.000-08:00

i'm getting a makeover! the same sweet lady who did becca's personal blog and our jewelry blog. yay!
so i'll going over to storiesbyindigoheart.blogspot.com. she'll switch over all my archives and do a new header and background and signature.... all kinds of good good stuff.
looking forward to it!

i love this bracelet. made it last week and sold it yesterday. isn't the clasp adorable? kinda wavey. it's amazonite and red agate.

worst. farmers. market. day. ever.

2010-07-11T04:23:00.000-08:00

so here is a photo of our worst farmers market day ever. it started out great. then the wind storm. then the thunder and lightning and torrential rain. really, the photo doesn't do it justice. then dennis, the husband of tammy, who is becca and my first farmers market friend, fell background like a board and smacked his head on the concrete. horrible sound. i was the first to get to him. he was kind of moaning and his eyes were rolling around... at first i thought he just slipped or tripped or something. but no. he had had what the doctors are now calling a *massive* heart attack. a customer came running up, saying she was a nurse practitioner, so i yielded the floor and took over tammy, who was pretty much falling apart. see, the thing is, tammy and dennis are absolutely *adorable* together. they are just totally besotted with each other, in a really cute way. he stopped breathing many times. they did cpr. it took the ambulance *twenty* freaking minutes to get their, so he went that long without enough oxygen to his brain. he was blue by the time they got there. so they put him into a coma that night and the doctors were like, 'he's not going to make it'. then the next day he started making some purposeful movements with his legs. then the next day he woke up and knew simple things and his family's names. and then he was *laughing* and telling jokes and totally himself (!). now he's campaigning to go home even though he's still in icu... tammy thinks it's because he's afraid...

all i can think is that he wasn't supposed to survive. certainly not as himself. and he had been chopping wood all by himself up on murphy dome road all day. if it had happened then... if it had to happen, it happened perfectly. just when the right people were there. still pissed off about the ambulance.

and now tammy is never going to be able to come back to farmers market. she actually came by yesterday to say thank you to everyone and she had a panic attack in the drive way.

i'm gonna miss her and her beautiful crafts and seeing her and dennis hold hands.

metalsmithing

2010-06-03T17:01:00.000-08:00

here's the little box i made for metalsmithing this semester. i *really* don't like making boxes. i want to make *jewelry*, not boxes. but it's required, so i guess i'll just have to suffer through it. on the way home from the previous class, my sister and i were listening to the radio and a j.j. heller song came on that i absolutely love. the first line is 'i have unanswered prayers, i have trouble i wish wasn't there' and it just struck me. wow. that is soooo me. so i stamped it on the lid of my ugly rectangular box and suddenly it wasn't so ugly anymore. yay for amazing inspiration from the universe. my wierd blogging platform is centering all my stuff today and i can't get it to stop. annoyingly justified.

2010-06-03T16:51:00.000-08:00

lorelei, here is the little bowl i thought you might like. it's teal with dark grey ashy drips throughout. the bowl has a matte/satin sheen to it and the birds are a shiny black over the matte teal glaze. it sits on three ball feet. i hope you like it as much as i do!

turquoise

2010-05-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

turquoise is my favorite stone. it's just so yummy! i made this necklace over the christmas break. love it.

farmers market starts this saturday. wow! halfway through the last week of school. whoa! i'll take pictures of all the stuff i made this semester and start sharing next week. some artbooks on the way from amazon; *yay*!!!! love love love amazon.

arrrrr, matey

2010-05-04T04:36:00.000-08:00

this is one of my favorite bracelets i've ever made. why? i'm not sure... the gothy feel to it, that happy skull and crossbones... i'm a closet skull and crossbones fan and emo-ish at heart. not sure it will ever sell, though, since my demographic for this one is so different than for the rest of my stuff....

end of semester, oh how i love thee! i got both things i entered into the student art show, which really surprised me. maybe i'll show those pieces next week, when i get them back. i'm actually pretty ready for finals... especially in painting. still got stuff to glaze and a couple things to bisque in ceramics. and a never-ending list of things i want to make in metalsmithing. i *really* missed metals over the holiday break, so i think i might go crazy this summer. so i plan to buy some copper and work on cold connections. i'll need a chasing hammer, steel bench block, letter stamps, thick copper wire... thinking about purchasing a soldering iron, so i can do a little bit of hot connections.... the project i'm having the worst luck with is my cubic box. hinges, oh how they stress me out. rrrrrrrr. i keep finding things to do *instead* of working on the stupid box. leaving it to the last minute.... stupid, stupid, stupid. so. i'll work on it first thing on wednesday.

metalsmithing: the ring issue

2010-05-03T03:24:00.000-08:00

here are most of the rings i made this semester. from left, the stones are prehnite, larimer, labradorite, and charoite. i love all of these rings. there are little things wrong with them, but overall i'm pleased. yay! getting better!

hair trials

2010-05-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

my hair has been a source of much consternation. i have had it down to my waist. i have shaved it completely off. i've dyed it within an inch of it's life; red, black, blonde, platinum, pink, chocolate... and the happiest i've ever been with it is this sweet purple, blue, and white striped confection. this isn't the best photo of the hair color, but it's the only one i've got. i also like the haircut here... what's really wierd about my hair right now is that it's turned black. it used to be auburn. is this the effect of too much coloring? or just a natural effect of aging? i've got a few grey hairs, which i don't mind at all. i wish there were more of them! my next hair experiment is dreadlocks. i'm going to get them in this summer. i've been doing research on them. they're an awful lot of work! you have to roll and twist them every day and wax them like once a week and wash them like every three days... geez. i thought it was like, they're in! leave them to it. wash them once a month. but no. *lots* of work. like, a prohibitive amount of work. and it'll take like eight hours to get them in. ouchie-wa-wa. but!!!!! i *still* want them done. i just think they're so beautiful. i'm nervous about the texture of them. i've never touched one before, and so i don't know how they will feel. i'm hoping they're soft.... not scratchy. we'll keep our fingers crossed.

nene's toes

2010-04-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

here are my little one's toes, front paws crossed, as she sleeps on my lap while we watch a movie. i have to say i adore my cat. am i good about cleaning her litter? no. but boy, is she loved. i'm sure i've mentioned before how just last year god told me that animals have souls and will be in heaven with us. well, it's been interesting to see how that knowledge has changed me. i've been able to handle better the idea of eating meat and hunting for food. fur trapping and the mistreatment of animals still sends me over the deep end... well, fur trapping is abhorent but i'm not gonna go join peta. just to let you guys know i'm not rabid. mistreatment of animals, though? whoa, don't get me started. i think there's a special place in hell for those people. anyway. i look forward to heaven where i'll spend eons hanging with the animals. meerkat manor? here i come. the pridelands? can't hold me back. and my precious lost ones: midnight, socks, persephone, cassie, baby, and becca's dearest; tiger. can't hardly wait!

lorelei's mugs (maybe)

2010-04-22T06:08:00.002-08:00

lorelei, here are the two mugs. one is a little bigger than the other. they're about the size of a regular tea cup...

memory

2010-04-22T04:39:00.002-08:00

my first piece of jewelry that i can remember was a bear paw pendant with a turquoise stone that my father gave me. it was a beautiful work of craftsmanship, made by the navajos. i lost this gorgeous piece when i was twenty one while on the trip to take my sister to grad school in texas. these events are inextricably linked, for both events were a wrench. losing my sister, who was my very best friend, was a significantly larger pain than the loss of the necklace. but i must admit that i still feel pain over that pendant. bear is my spirit animal, and i feel very strongly that my father gave bear to me, one of the most amazing, transformational, *huge* gifts that has ever been given to me.

i went without a bear paw for about ten years, looking for one sporadically. i was still mourning my loss. but then, one day, quite out of the blue, i was ready. and i found a beautiful replacement. it isn't the same as the first; it isn't as heavy or as exquisitely made as the first, but it's turquoise (my stone) and it's about the same size. so. i made a necklace and i wear it every day and i feel close to bear, again, and thankful to my father for the gift of bear.

christmas break

2009-12-27T07:53:00.002-09:00

classes are finally over! yay! got through bazaar season relatively unscathed. we didn't do as well as we did last year, which was disappointing. christmas was great, watching my two favorite girls enjoying every minute of it.

i've been making jewelry like crazy. now that i'm not channeling my creative energy into my classes, i have extra to go into the business. hopefully we'll get our etsy store up and running in the next couple of months. without the stash sending us monthly checks, it's been a little thin around here. and farmer's market is way off in the distance.

becca is trying to justify taking metalsmithing with me next semester. it's more expensive than she expected so she's juggling it all in her head. i ****really**** hope she takes it with me. i love taking classes with her.

2009-11-18T20:54:00.002-09:00

here is the pumpkin i carved this year. just one, cause i ran out of money. lame-o! i looooove carving pumpkins. but the seeds! oh, the seeds! totally my favorite part of the whole thing.

rings

2009-11-18T20:48:00.002-09:00

here are two more of the rings i've made in metalsmithing. the clear stone is moonstone and the turquoise one is chrysacolla. i really like the chrysacolla one. the moonstone not so much. but i'm getting better! yay!

the long goodnight

2009-11-09T12:57:00.003-09:00

there is finally snow here on the ground. sticking. the long goodnight.

winter bums me out. it's soooo dark. and soooo cold.

winter comforts me. it's like a cocoon, wrapping me in stillness and reflection.

i took this photo in june of this year. it reminds me to hold on. just hold on. something beautiful will come out soon.

gidget

2009-10-28T04:45:00.002-08:00

here is gidget. i took this picture this summer, when she was really sick. she had fatty liver disease, and lost about eight to ten pounds. she's all fat and sassy again, now. just throws up once and awhile and then i give her her medicine.

gidget is my cat. but in her heart, she's mama's cat. she could really care less about me, but she sleeps with mama when she's given the chance. purrs for mama, but not for me. mama says gidget is mine. gidget says different.

imagine

2009-10-19T12:24:00.002-08:00

i love these button earrings. purpley goodness.

i've been skipping classes a lot. i've been having these terrible migraines--stress, maybe? i dunno. it's just annoying.

yesterday (sunday) i went up and worked in the pottery studio. morphed bowls. five of them. i'm not especially drawn to bowls. or maybe i'm feeling a bit annui-ish. rrrrrrrr. they had the radio on when i went in. it was on npr. i *hate* npr. talk talk talk talk talk. rrrrrrrr. music! i want music! i don't really care *what kind* of music it is, (except jazz--hate jazz) as long as it's music.

hmph. how grouchy i am! so sad.

we have flu brewing in our house. abigail threw up two nights ago, i've felt nauseous for days, and now becca is sick. it's not the swine thing, thank goodness. just some ordinary run off the mill flu stuff.

abigail still hasn't woken up and it's 12:30! poor little thing. becca's in bed, too, trying to sleep. she didn't get practically any last night. so it's just me and deborah. pretty soon i have to go to class, so i'll have to wake somebody up. maybe grammy.

cats. and birds.

2009-10-04T04:44:00.002-08:00

so okay. i *love* cats. i'll be the crazy old cat lady when i'm sixty. with a twist. i'll have birds, too. because i freakin' *love* birds.

is that not wierd?!?

these cat earrings are especially winsome with all the swirls.

bizarr-o random accurance two days ago. i was on campus after classes, waiting for my sister to come pick me up. i was standing in the little foyer of the art department, staring out at the little art department parking lot when random guy walks in and says, "hey, beautiful." like, eeewwww! so i slowly turn my head to give this guy a dirty look and see that he is on the phone. YAY! he asks his love for a ride and hurries out to the parking lot, head down, embarrassement oozing off of him. so, people on cell phones; watch what you say. you could accidently start a bar fight.

metalsmithing

2009-09-30T13:57:00.004-08:00

this brass piece is my first ever metalsmithing project. see all the mistakes?
the next copper piece is my second one, same assignment. i love this one. i hope to make a pin out of it.

the next assignment was twins; cut out two pieces at the same time (taped together). the deers are my first attempt. i just love them. the birds are my second. i'm pleased with them, but i got the hole in the wrong spot, though. the butt is too heavy, so they hang funny. lame-o! both of them are sterling silver.

paintings

2009-09-30T13:46:00.004-08:00

here is the painting i'm working on in advanced painting. i'm pleased with the blue figure, except for her hair. i'm really not happy with the with the other figure's face. it's kinda creepy, ya know?

the next two pictures are done. i'm pleased with this brown haired woman's eyes. i'm really interested in peoples eyes, the most. there's just something special about them.

metalsmithing

2009-09-29T06:03:00.003-08:00

here is my first ever ring! soooooo cool!!!! so, okay, there are *tons* of things wrong with this piece, but oh. my. god. i made it! i love how simple it is. the thing that went the most wrong with this piece was when i *melted* it. it's made of two bands; an inside one and an outside one. jack (my teacher) soldered the inner ring to show me how to do, 'cause i'd never soldered before. and i've always been terrified of it. eeek! open flame! so jack showed me how to do it, and told me i had to do the outside one. i can do this. i can do this! so there i was, freaked out, with my acetylene torch and my fluxed ring. heating it up. heating it up. putting the solder on. heating it up. heating it..... oh, crap! it's red! it's *slumping*! turn off torch. dump ring in water. crap, crap, crap. show jack, who says, that's not that bad. advanced student says, "sandpaper it out." yay! salvagadgeable. is that a word? dunno. anyway. so i sanded it till the cows came home. which, of course, *thinned* the metal. hmmmmm... put the two rings together. stretched the inside band. compressed the outside band. soldered them together, and because i was the first one to get done, jack soldered one side of it for me, with the whole class looking on. so i had to do the other side. i can do this. i can do this. so i prepared my solder and then becca comes and says jake had a funny episode where he couldn't see out of one of his eyes. so i left, to get a ride home so becca could take jake to the er. on the way home jake refused to go to the er. i'm getting pissed off 'cause i had to leave my work in the middle of it.... jake's okay. just the wierd, random blindness virus, right? anyway, i went back up over the weekend (before the horrible esperanza concert; see next post) and soldered that puppy. i wasn't as scared of it the second time. i accomplished it! yay, me! so i don't especially *like* to solder, but i can do it. hopefully next time without melting my silver.

arrrr

2009-09-29T05:24:00.003-08:00

i absolutely adore these buttons. don't know why. i'm not all that deep into piratey stuff. i'm not even the hugest fan of skulls, but for some bizarre reason these just do it for me. maybe it's the juxtaposition of the cuteness of a button and the hardcoreness of the skull and crossbones.

i got my ipod all set up!!!!! it's name is sweet pea. it's already almost full up and i haven't loaded my cd collection, yet. hmmm. who knew 8G could fill up that fast?

i dropped my history of world art and feel soooooo much better. i'm not overwhelmed anymore! yay! i'll be kind to myself, instead of hitting myself over the head saying, "i'm not good enough, smart enough, *whatever* enough."

went to a concert saturday night for my art appreciation class. esperanza spaulding. going into it, i had no idea what the music was going to be like. it turned out to be jazz. oh, my god, i *hate* jazz with the passion of a thousand suns. i find it to be cacophonous and basically meaningless. and she skatted. i *hate* skat. it gets on my nerves the way high pitched squealing noises get on most peoples' nerves. i am sooo hopelessly european, with my love of the melody line. melody, oh, how do i love thee! i'm not saying that jazz is bad music, i'm just saying i don't like it. not my cup of tea. i found esperanza to be annoying; the concert started *30* minutes late--diva, anyone? the three other members of her group came out first, started playing, and then she sailed out. and she sang her intro. diva, anyone? anyone? her voice was strident and i couldn't understand half of what she was saying. urgh. all that aside, she is obviously a talented artist. i just happen to hate her work. sorry, esperanza. so i walked out. i just couldn't take another minute of her nails-on-the-chalkboard music. music? i use that term loosely, here.

button earrings

2009-09-27T10:07:00.004-08:00

love, love, love these. i started making button earrings awhile back. looked at some buttons and thought, "hey, those would make awesome earrings." so i figured out how to wire them up, added some japanese drops, and called them good. then i bought a book about using buttons in jewelry ('cause i *love* buttons) and there was my idea! almost exactly like how i did it. is that not bizarre-o? still feel smart for figuring it out on my own, though.

nene

2009-09-18T10:14:00.002-08:00

here is my precious nene, peeking at becca, who's taking the picture. that's me sitting there with no hair. i cut it all off for the summer.

classes are going strong. i've got so much work! and it's not the studio classes (painting, ceramics, and metalsmithing) that are the problem. it's my stupid art history. the professor seems to think her class is the only class we're taking. argh! i'm already behind.... i can do this! i can, i can, i can.

just a bit overwhelmed

2009-09-14T06:26:00.002-08:00

here is a small sampling of my necklaces. i really like all of these. the bird's nest has a story behind it; i've been making them and stringing them on bluish-green beaded strands. like amazonite. but then this one woman asked me to make one on a cord, because she liked the pendant, but not the beads. did she come back? hell, no! i should probably just string the thing on amazonite or such.

anyway.

classes are underway and i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. so much work! i miss sitting in my chair with no pressure.

god, please give me strength to do this task set before me. i want to succeed! i just can't do this by myself.

lame

2009-09-09T06:47:00.002-08:00

becca says these trees look disturbingly sentient, like the trees from lord of the rings. not that ents are disturbing.

anyway.

yesterday was kinda lame. in painting, all i could think about was how it's been like, four years since i painted and how i don't know how to paint anymore. the day started lame with mom driving off after dropping me off on campus. i opened the trunk to get all my stuff for painting, started to take in the first load. and she drove off.

with the trunk gate wide open.

um. mom? mama!

lame.

and then my tummy was so hungry it hurt. i ate breakfast! i swear. on tuesday and thursday i have painting from 11:30 to 2 and metalsmithing from 2 to 4:30. somehow i forgot i have to eat lunch. so i asked my painting instructor (mike) if i could eat in class, which kes (my painting professor when i was in school before) totally did not have a problem with. mike has a problem with it. oh, man. lame.

in metalsmithing jack talked about files, sandpaper and polishing. i finished my first piece! and man is it lame. i'll have to get a picture of it up here. maybe i'll turn it into a pin and hang it on the wall so i can have proof of getting better. because i *will* get better. in polishing i got the white diamond compound all over my fingernails. lame. jack said this will just be how our fingers look from now on. lame-o.

but today will be better. i hope. i woke up at four and decided to stay up. worked on drawing for the next assignment in metalsmithing. after i'm done posting, i'll read the rest of my homework for art history. and at 9:30, becca and i will go get our tent, tables, and other stuff from farmer's market since we can't set up today. we thought about trying to, but then becca remembered abigail has a well-child checkup this morning. and i can't be sure i'll be out of ceramics in time to relieved becca to go pick up deborah at 3:30. so no more wednesday markets. lame!

sunny

2009-09-06T15:23:00.001-08:00

here's the little crochet hat i designed. i've made about six of them. this is the one i've got on the table right now. it's so bright and cheerful.

new technology!

2009-09-06T15:09:00.003-08:00

i got my loan check last week and got down to some serious shopping for the upcoming semester. will be visiting prospector's for cold weather gear; hello carharts! and long johns. and heavy socks. i get sooooooo freaking cold with my thyroid out of whack that i'm worried about tromping all over campus once winter hits. i mean, i get cold enough just sitting at home.

anyway. i also bought a digital camera; a canon powershot A480. loooooove it.

and an ipod.

which i can't use. because my freaking laptop refuses to link to the internet so i can download itunes. because i have a pc. not an apple. *why* does apple have the coolest gear that won't play nice with the rest of the world?!?

it's a sexy little ipod, too. a purple nano. i swear to god i'm *not* taking the thing back to the store to get a lame little silver pc compatible mp3 player.

next semester i'm getting photoshop. can't hardly wait!

soon

2009-09-02T02:00:00.003-08:00

classes start on thursday--i'm so excited and so nervous! i haven't been able to get to sleep the past three nights, i'm so unsettled. i probably won't sleep at all tomorrow night. why isn't my sleep medication knocking me out like it's supposed to do? rrrrr

self portait

2009-08-20T01:33:00.002-08:00

here's another self portrait i did awhile back. the colors disturb now, looking back. what was i thinking? green? i'm okay with the red and oranges. that blue ground in the back is rather nice... but *green*?!? yikes. my chin is looking a bit nubular, wouldn't you say? and what is that thing on my eye? speaking of eyes, i love how these turned out.

i was wearing overalls, lying on my belly in front of my floor length mirror--what a happy composition! i like the set up. also love how the necklace is kind of the secondary focal spot, after the eyes.

done in pastels

fall

2009-08-20T01:19:00.002-08:00

it's sideways. i know. i'm desperate, you see.

i managed to delete my entire file of pictures that i've been sharing. bum. mer. so i've been scrounging around for stuff to upload. i think this is why i've been so lax lately about posting. no picture, no post, right? grrrrrr....

so it's definitely fall up here in the great north. birds flying in formation. turncoats. rain. leaves turning. people asking us at farmers market when's the last day we'll be open. wearing long johns to market! long johns, i tell you. it's ridiculous. where did my lovely summer go?

i've been crocheting up a storm. i've got like five projects in the works and so many plans! i'm afraid i won't be able to do much with it after classes start. my favorite project is a granny square skirt--i need sixty squares. i've got 25 done so far. i'm not yet sick of the whole thing, which is a good thing.

the other life

2009-08-10T09:38:00.002-08:00

i'm an australian in some deep way. the other life i could've had.

the thing is this; my parents were given a choice. alaska or australia. these opportunities were available to them after we lived in california. i was going into fourth grade, so becca and i weren't really told about the options at the time. i found out later i could've been an australian. mom was more inclined to go to australia, but we all would've had to give up our american citizenship and she wasn't too hip on that, so off to alaska we lumbered. and here i am. alaskan to the core.

but australia... it certainly is a tempting thought. who would i be if we had moved there? surely more active... skinnier? tanner? i understand that there is a bit more sexism there, as in women haven't got the same opportunities as they do in america. maybe that's false info. i don't know. i've never been, so i really can't say. i'm not even sure *where* in australia we would've gone... considering dad was a botanist/forester we probably would've lived in the bush. so we would've moved to a rather insular community that maybe didn't like newcomers. not much different than the tiny eskimo community we moved to here in alaska. maybe i would've turned out exactly the same... nature v.s. nurture, right?

the romance of another life... with no mistakes in it. *that's* what's tempting about it, really.

mnemosyne (pronounced nee-moss-y-nee)

2009-08-06T13:35:00.003-08:00

here is my beautiful nene. she weighs six pounds and is afraid of *everything*. she's nine years old, but acts like a kitten. i absolutely adore her. i've had four other kitties but none have been *mine* the way she is.

this is my one hundreth post! yay! so pleased with myself for keeping at it.

i got my loan notice in the mail yesterday; got it! so i'm definitely going to school! yay!!!!!! i'm so excited. totally looking forward to metalsmithing, painting, ceramics. not quite as siced about history of art, and totally dreading interrelations of music, art, and theatre. that one's a core class i've tried to take four times. sooooooo bad at doing things i dislike. naughty bethiboo.

off with you, then

2009-08-02T19:01:00.002-08:00

they've gone and left us.

well, only for three days.

becca, jake, and the girls have driven to denali for a camp out. i'm so jealous... but they'll be freezing their arses off while i'm in my nice cozy warm bed.

the one time i camped at denali, it rained all night. the ground was so cold i kept having to turn over to let that side of my body warm up in the air. i was not prepared for the cold. so. they go prepared with the knowledge that it's freaking cold down there.

they also have to drive through the fire; it's not actually near the road, but it *is* near nenena, which they have to drive through to get to the park. i'm gonna pray really hard that they get to see animals while they're there. the girls have seen moose, reindeer, musk ox, but no bears or caribou. keeping my fingers crossed.

i already miss them.

my pretty little flower scarf

2009-07-17T19:25:00.002-08:00

i crocheted this little scarf/necklace yesterday and today. first i made the flowers using nicki epsteins 'crochet flowers'. the leaves came from the same book. i'd publish the pattern here, but i think i'd get in trouble with the publishers. i put the pieces together four times before i got it just right. i'm really pleased with how this came out. it only took a couple hours to make, so i'm thinking about making a couple more to see if they'd sell. i'd make one for becca, but i don't think she'd wear it. not really her style.

i'm really enjoying crochet and am glad i went ahead and taught myself.

three days ago i made this giant snowflake shrug. the pattern is on crochetme.com. great site, by the way. i got to row 12 and couldn't figure out the directions--it's an advanced pattern and i'm really still just a beginner. i've only been crocheting for about five months. so i kind of made up the last few rows. stupid, i know. anyway, it came out looking good until i put it on. oops. not so good. so i'm going to make another one and take the directions to my local yarn shop and see if they can help me out. if not, i'm betting they'll know someone who can.

my mama is home! yay! the girls keep making her little presents and giving her long hugs. they refused to go to sleep last night until becca promised them grammy would go in and wake them when she got here, which wasn't until two in the morning. they've really, really missed her these few weeks she's been gone. actually, i think it's been a whole month. wow. at the end of june, she'll fly down to anchorage to get the battery replaced in her pacemaker. but she'll only be gone for two or three days. hopefully valette will be able to swing by the hospital to see her. ooooh, that makes me jealous. lot of that going around.

mama had so many stories to tell us that becca and she and i stayed up till after three talking. and boy, did i sleep in this morning. naughty me. mostly it was about the memorial service and renee and denise and andrea and aunt cary and all their kids. sooooo jealous. mama got to go to a dollar store in portland, so she came home bearing sweet little gifts. butterfly stickers and cards, a turquoise fish windchime for me, coloring books for the girls, spices, and silly snacks we can't get up here. fun stuff.

family

2009-07-16T16:35:00.004-08:00

i like how this one turned out, except for the lines next to her mouth. to dark.

mama comes home tonight! i'm so excited. she's been in oregon for her sister's memorial service. she got to spend a couple weeks with her brother. they are the last two of the five. and then she spent a day in portland with one of my cousins. i'm so jealous! i'm sooo miss these cousins, and i haven't seen them in about twelve years. their family is dear to me, and mama got to see andrea, denise, and renee at the memorial service for aunt corine, plus their mom, aunt cary, who is my mama's cousin. we just call her aunt cary because it's easier and more fitting to designate her as our aunt. mama got to meet most of their kids, too. sooooo jealous.

peonies

2009-07-14T08:51:00.003-08:00

i wrote little words all over this one. you can't really read them with this photo. stuff like memories and barrette... i like it.

i bought peonies at the farmers market last week. so beautiful! and they smelled like heaven. oh, do i love flowers. i carried them around with me until becca told me the girls were gonna knock them over. aren't i silly?

my best friend, valette, sent me the sweetest present in the mail--a beautiful multi-colored sketch book for my art classes in the fall. i'm a little afraid to use it, it's so beautiful, but i also can't wait. maybe i'll draw a picture of nene just to get me started.

have i told the story of nene's name? i don't think so. it's pronounce neenee. and her full name is mnemosyne, prounounced nee-moss-uh-nee. she's named after the greek goddess of memory, in rememberance of cassandra and baby. cassandra was the kitten becca and i got with persephone (pronounced purr-sef-uh-nee) when we lived in texas. cassie lived about three months. she was born without an immune system. we were heart broken. and baby was the tiny kitten we came upon one late, late night driving home from a party when we lived in texas. we drove past her trying to climb back up on the curb and turned around to help her up. becca placed her on the ground and i ran over and immediately picked her up. she was breathing hard, shaking. we talked and finally decided that all we could do was put her down and leave--we lived in the seminary dorms at the time and couldn't have pets. so i put her down. and she just laid there. finally i bent down to pick her up again. and she tried to run. but her little back had been broken by a passing car and her back feet dragged. by this time her mama was pacing in the distance, staring at us and her tiny baby. we decided to take her with us and call a vet and try to help her. so we apoligized to her mama and drove to the dorm. becca drove and i held baby. back at the dorm, she went upstairs to call a vet and i stayed in the lobby with baby (couldn't take her upstairs). i got paper towels to wrap her in to try to keep her warm--she was shaking, in shock. and held and talked to her. i don't remember what i said, nonsense probably. the security guard was totally sympathetic and said how glad he was that we had found her... becca was gone for about twenty minutes. finally she came down and said none of the vets would see her without at least a 100 dollar deposit. we were dead poor. but the animal shelter would put her to sleep for free. oh, dear god. we were heart broken. we wanted to save her! then becca went on to say that none of the vets thought she'd make it... so after much talk and prayer we decided to put her to sleep. by this time i knew she had fleas... and i'd fallen in love with her. so we called the shelter again and arranged to meet someone there. all this to say that nene is my reminder of two beautiful kittens, two kittens i loved with all my heart. she is the perfect reminder of these two dear ones, because i absolutely adore her. and i know baby and cassie are waiting in heaven for me, so i can be with them forever.

thank you, god, for the time i had with all the cats i've had. thank you for entrusting me with them. help me be a better steward of the treasures you give to me.

embroidery

2009-07-12T21:26:00.003-08:00

i like the red and green against each other, but it looks a bit christmas-y. hmm

just bought doodle stitching at barnes and noble. wonderful embroidery!

i embroider, and am envisioning embroidered pendants in my jewelry.... such lovely possibilities! something to dream on....

summer

2009-07-08T20:23:00.003-08:00

i like this because it's rather in your face. yes, the nose is horrible, but the eyes! the chaotic shapes of color behind her! i felt like i took a big step with this one.

it's summer. 90+. i hate being hot. but i shouldn't complain 'cause it was -60 this past winter. so i should soak this heat in like an elixer for january. what makes it worse is the smoke. there's a huge 100,000 acres fire like 50 miles away from where i sit. my sister can't breathe and we've been keeping the girls inside. of course the windows are thrown open with fans in front of them, pulling in this poisoned air. because this is alaska and houses don't have ac. over half the shops don't, either. especially the ones i go to, the little ones snugged into historic downtown houses and buildings.

as a matter of fact, i spent two hours in one of those shops this morning with deborah, my 6 year old niece, making fairies. oh the joy! there is nothing like a small room full of young girls bent over their work, crafting perfectly enchanting fairies. i was the only adult taking the class, but the teacher, jennifer, couldn't have been more gracious. and i just happen to have some of my jewelry for sale in this little adorable shop. so she recognized me and my name as a fellow artist, so that was actually kind of cool. what a lovely morning! it couldn't have gone better, unless i'd taken my sister's digital and documented the whole thing. deborah was ready to go before i was, but my sister had thoughtfully packeged up some snacks and she found some delightful dragonflies for sale to play with--i bought one for each of my nieces (at three dollars a piece it would have been a crime not to). abigail, at three, was too young to take the class, but at deborah's insistence i made one for her, as well. such a little thing, but so thoughtful, on her part. i adore these girls, even though, at times, they try my patience. as all children do.

summer

2009-07-04T03:47:00.002-08:00

this is the memory of summer i cherish; windows wide open at night, fans going in all of the rooms, light in the sky all night long... yes, i live in alaska, land of the midnight sun. little song birds chirping at three in the morning, cause it's light, and that's a perfect reason to sing. the *memory* of summer is almost as intoxicating as the actual moments... love, love, love those blissful, easy days of liquid summer.

cartoons, anyone?

2009-07-03T15:29:00.002-08:00

there is something strangely cartooney about this one. the eyes? the colors? not sure. the stupid blog is making my picture appear under the words, and it's very annoying. it started doing it like three or four posts ago and i don't like it. arrrrrr. the first thing i talk about is the picture and now that the picture is at the bottom of the post, it doesn't make sense. maybe i should save the comments till the last part of the post. rrrrrrr... not happy.

2009-07-02T14:55:00.001-08:00

i love this piece. blue freshwater pearls and my all time favorite swarovski crystals; fire opals. but it hasn't sold yet. hmm. too edgy? my color combination is a little in your face.

looking back

2009-07-02T14:50:00.001-08:00

i love her eyes looking back. nose is bad. colors; yes! blue and orange. one of my favorite combos.

2009-07-02T04:43:00.002-08:00

yesterday at farmer's market i reached a milestone.

i sold a $100 necklace!!!!! it was turquoise and coral, just beautiful. i kept the matching bracelet and wear it all the time. now it will remind me of this awesome occasion.

woot, woot!

tilted

2009-07-02T04:40:00.001-08:00

i like this purple and sagey green combo. love how it turned out. necks a little weird, but it's okay.

2009-06-30T12:45:00.002-08:00

supposed to be two people in bed--their legs and one of their feet. didn't turn out so hot. oh, well. i guess i can't win them all.

i got sucked in by a mystery shopper scam last may; they sent me $4,ooo check. i was supposed to spend some of the money at a local store, report the experience and send the rest by money order to investigate that service. everybody in the house checked out the letter and said it sounded legit. cough, cough. i spent the money at the local store and went to send the money order, but when i got to the store, i realized i'd left the 3,500 at home. so i went home to get it and there was a message from my bank saying the check had bounced. thank you, god, i didn't have that money with me! so i contacted the mystery shopper company and they said they'd mail a cashier's check that day. waited two weeks. no check. called again. no answer. i called all that day, and by the end of that day, there was a message stating that number was no longer in service. ah, ha. so i called the fbi. i know. the fbi! my sister's husband told me to do it. and the guy was so nice! and understanding. yes, this was a scam. thank goodness you didn't send the money. it was a brand new scam, so it hadn't been reported yet. yay! i'm the first! uh, yeah. not so cool. anyway. i took the money and gave it to the bank. but the other five hundred was just gone. so.

now i owe the bank something like seven hundred from interest. and i can't get a checking account anywhere else without paying for this deficit. i feel so stupid! yes, it can happen to you.

little doodle

2009-06-30T12:22:00.002-08:00

this is a little doodle i did. what a clavicle she has!

yesterday i registered for my classes and got in all but one. the one i didn't get in was advanced painting. it starts at two and my metalsmithing class ends at two, so the computer won't let me sign up for both of them without an official time conflict override. only problem is, the professor for one of the classes has to send this override in to the registrar's office. and all the professors are out for the summer. hmmm.... todd sherman, the art department head, is in for a few hours some days and the registrar's office said he might be willing to do this for me... how complicated! but i do understand them wanting the professors to okay this. if a professor is going to have a hissy fit every time i clean up my stuff a little early or arrive a little late, it's definately not going to be worth it. i would sign up for the intermediate painting class, but it's in the same room and time slot as the advanced painting. argh! i hope every thing will work out. it's the art department, right? everybody is supposed to be laid back, right? "it's all good, folks. it's not rocket science."

the core class i've signed up for is asthetic appreciation: art/drama/music. i wish i could petition out of this class. i was a theatre major for four years and have taken four music classes. and am an art major. you would think i can asthetically appreciate the arts without a whole class on the subject. but i get why it's required. think of all those science majors (this is a federally funded science university) who never spent a minute of their lives appreciating art in any of it's forms. so. there we are.

i'm thinking about minoring in eduaction or double majoring in it so that i can become an art teacher when i graduate. i've been teaching knitting, crochet, and floral design at the local craft store. and enjoying it. maybe after i get my bachelor's i could get a master's and become a professor. wow. lots to think about.

my aunt

2009-06-28T06:57:00.002-08:00

my dear aunt died this last week. aunt corine. i'm profoundly sad. the world feels a little lonelier without her loving me. but i know she's in a better place without pain. with two of her daughters. that has got to be wonderful. beyond words wonderful.

in lighter news, i'm going back to school in the fall. i got accepted back to my old university. my financial aid came through. yay! i'll be majoring in art, hopefully accepted into the bfa program. i have 141 credits and still about five classes left to go in my core curriculum. when i went to school before, i couldn't seem to make myself take those last few hated core classes. it's stuff like economy and anthropology and math. yucky. but i have to do them if i want a degree, and i think i want i bad enough now, nine years later, that i can do them. not sure what i want to do with the degree once i've got it, but degreed people get better jobs. so. maybe i'll try to teach art. art therapy. i don't know. right now it's just enough to be striving for it.

as far as the drawing is concerned, i'm not sure i like it. pink and turquoise are a classic combo but the drawing is just a little off. hmmm....

asian girl

2009-06-24T04:01:00.002-08:00

i like this one for the color combination (mustard and turquoise--who would have thought?) and the way she looks both young and old. her eyes are deliberitely different again, but i'm afraid there're too similar for it to work quite right.

15 books

2009-06-24T03:38:00.002-08:00

i'm supposed to come up with fifteen books that made a difference to me.

hmmm....

1)Beauty by Robin McKinley; this was my first fantasy. up to this point i'd been reading the horrible sweet valley high series--okay, they probably weren't horrible, but after reading beauty i couldn't pick another one up without criinging

2)Teen Titans, Cloak and Dagger, X-men; comic books rocked my world in high school and junior high. 'nuff said.

3) Anne of Green Gables; i got my hot little mits on this one in sixth grade. i then commenced to mooning around, imagining i had consumption, and writing really bad prose

4)Sharon Oldes; poetry as meaningful, mind-blowing shit

5)The Key of Hed trilogy by Patricia McKillip

6)The Great Gatsby

7)Hemingway; i had, up to this point, emilated L.M. Montgomery in my own writing. just a bit too much for this day and age. but Hemingway taught me to be sparing. brilliant author, horrible man.

8)Beth Moore's bible studies--whoa. good stuff.

9)White Oleander

10)Sharon Shinn--oh, my gawd, i absolutely adore her

11) Laurel K. Hamilton; vampires and werewolves and witches, oh my!

12)Wen Spencer; love, love, love her work

13)SARK; utterly brilliant--i'd follow her anywhere

14)the harry potter series--can't wait to read what Rowling has up her sleeve for a next go at it

15)Nora Roberts' trilogies, i'm embaressed to report. it's just that her characters are so real. there are a couple series to skip, but she really is an exellent story-teller

2009-06-14T06:15:00.003-08:00

i did two sketches of this woman. her nose came out way too long. oh, the horror. i still like that sagey green with the red, though. nice contrasty colorage. ah, here she is with a crazy turned-up nose. hmmm. just couldn't get her quite right. and this woman is so striking. i'm disappointed i couldn't do her. at least her lips are right.

yesterday i did really well at farmer's market. yay! it's so gratifying to have people appreciate your work.

becca had a miscarriage two weeks ago. thankfully, she hadn't known she was pregnant. she was only a month along. but she really wants another baby. and i just don't know what it feels like to lose one. after the hysterectomy, thankfully, i'll never have to go through that. sometimes i wonder if i did the right thing. i just don't know. but, boy, do i like not having my period! yay for freedom!

mornings

2009-06-10T06:46:00.002-08:00

i woke up this morning at four. it's a farmer's market day and i know i'm gonna fade around noon, but i don't want to go back to bed, 'cause i'll not want to get up when my alarm goes off, so here i am, checking out my list of blogs that i keep up with. artists and jewelers. i just love blogs.

since it's self-portrait day, i'm a little sad i posted my self-portrait yesterday. ah, well.

2009-06-09T20:49:00.003-08:00

this is another self-portrait, done in pencil. kinda faint.

the thing about my drawing that i hate the most is that i make everybody prettier than they are. it's most noticable to me in my self-portraits 'cause i know i'm just not this pretty. grumble.

indigo

2009-05-31T10:29:00.003-08:00

i'm really pleased with this one. it's kind of faint. sorry. but i love the negative spaces! and indigo is my favorite color.

we went to farmer's market yesterday to sell our jewelry (my sister and i make jewelry and sell at farmer's market and a couple shops in town). i did well! yay! it always feels good when people like your stuff. i sold more than becca, which was astonishing, cause she *always* does better than me. maybe i'll go buy a cd in celebration. love new music.

colors

2009-05-28T08:38:00.002-08:00

another shoulder! love those things...

i'm not in love with this one, but i *do* love the colors. blue and orange! yay! i did this one with pastels instead of the usual crayons. i love the way you can move the color around with pastels. once a crayon mark is down, it's *down*. kind of nice to play with a more forgiving medium.

2009-05-26T14:39:00.003-08:00

again, i do like shoulders. neck's too long but other than that i like it.

i'm thinking about going back to college. get a degree. so i've applied for student aid and admission. i'll know in a couple weeks if i'm accepted and whether or not i qualify for federal student aid. it really all depends if i get the financial aid. i'll study art, maybe get a BFA instead of a BA. kind of looking forward to it, so i'll be disappointed if i don't get the money.

2009-05-25T08:12:00.003-08:00

i was playing with assymetry at this point in my drawing; eyes different sizes. i like how this one turned out, 'cause that's where you look first; those dark, irregular eyes.

it's deborah's birthday today. she's six! i'm so proud of her. looking forward to yummy cake and watching her open her presents.

becca and her little family are still talking about moving out, so i've been trying to come up with some positive benefits. 1)i'll be able to bead and craft whenever i want! 2)i'm going to move upstairs into my old room and make the basement my studio. 3)i'll have a real closet again! 4)i'll have a door! 5)mom can have the girl's room as a sewing room--maybe she'll be able to get to some of the projects she's been wanting to do. 6)no more temper tantrums from the girls.

the biggest detraction is missing the girls. i can see me going, "damn, i even miss those temper tantrums." but they're not going far, so we'll still have lots of visits. but no more late night beading sessions with becca. no more impromptue late night talks.

so even though there are several things to look forward to, i'm still bummed.

spring

2009-05-22T05:42:00.002-08:00

spring is my favorite season. it feels so full of promise. i love watching the pussy willows unfurl and the flowers grow tall and proud. i need to get out in the dirt and dig the soil.

am working on cut-up t-shirts to sell. loving how each one turns out, it's own little personality. hope they sell so i can make more!

men

2009-05-15T05:07:00.001-08:00

i don't draw men. i don't know why. i just don't. that being said, here's a guy. it just doesn't please me. it looks forced and awkward.

2009-05-12T16:28:00.003-08:00

i've been reading a lot lately. new authors!

the summoning by kelley armstrong:
a troubled group of supernaturally gifted teens get locked away in a group home that is more than it looks. the main charecter can see and communicate with the dead, there is a werewolf, a witch, a half-demon... it's a fun read.

evermore by alyson noel:
a girl survives a horrible accident that takes the lives of the rest of her family. she goes to live with her aunt in sunny california. soon she meets a new guy that has more secrets than she does, and she has some whoppers; she can see the dead, see auras and read minds, all of which she got when she almost died in the accident. i really liked this one. undying love, mysterious powers, ghosts... just my cup of tea. and soon there will be another! if i remember correctly it'll come out in august of this year. yay!

where women create by somerset studios:
i absolutely love somerset studios publications. if only they came out more often! i enjoyed this one immensely. it's the studios of artists and some of their favorite tips and quotes.

vision in white by nora roberts:
yes, i know this is considered romance. i blush to admit i read her. but this is the only romance i read. and it's really good! yes, they end up together in the end, but other than that it's really not like other romances. it's all about the characters, and roberts is fabulous at creating believable, likable, interesting characters. i really liked this book. i loved the main characters and the set-up was engaging. not all of her books are fantastic, but this one was.

bruce coville:
i love bruce coville! i've just started reading him. he writes children's novels, but they are totally worth the time. i've read the first two installments of the unicorn chronicles and *loved* them. i've read almost all the magic shop books. my favorite was juliet dove, queen of love. good stuff.

there's been more, but i'll write about them next time.

2009-05-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

i like this one because of her pensive look. and the colors together draw you to her eyes.

donna

2009-05-11T11:37:00.003-08:00

these are my dear friend donna's feet. donna is a missionary. she is living in papua new guinea, which is an island just above australia. since it's summer here, it's winter there. i miss her so much! she teaches the children of missionaries who are translating the bible into indigenous languages. she teaches history and spanish. she loves her job and delights in her kids. we have similiar tastes in books and movies. we met at college when she joined my drama group, so i've known her for about fifteen years. so long!

girl

2009-05-10T12:42:00.001-08:00

i really like this one. not sure why. i like the eyes being different sizes. it was done on purpose.

tiger

2009-05-09T20:50:00.003-08:00

i had a dream about tiger the other night. tiger was becca's first cat. we put her to sleep after a long illness--kidney failure. she refused to die, so i had to make the decision to let her go. the toughest decision i had had to make, up to that point.

anyway.

the dream. she was young and svelte and full of energy. she had come back to us. we all knew that she was dead. but she wanted to be with us, so she came back. it was wonderful.

i'm one of those strange people that think our pets will be in heaven with us. when midnight died (my first cat and tiger's sister--she died of feline leukimia when she was just three) i was in fifth grade. so i asked God to please let midnight be in heaven with me. God said that would be okay. at that time i just assumed that God would let the animals that we asked Him about would be in heaven. but recently i read 'heaven' by randy alcorn and i had an epiphany. animals have spirits! when i say 'spirit', i mean that there is a part of them that is eternal. all animals will be in heaven with us silly two leggers.

this is a touchy subject for some people. all i have to say is that i asked God what was true and this is what he told me: animals have spirits and will be in heaven. yay!!!!!!

2009-05-01T08:23:00.001-08:00

i love shoulders. they're probably my favorite body part. along with hands and clavicles. hard to hate that sexy clavicle.

dreaming

2009-04-30T15:54:00.002-08:00

i had a dream that i was on a road trip with my family. i was in the back seat sleeping and every once and awhile i'd open my eyes to see the most beautiful scenery flying by.

good dream

writing

2009-03-29T05:14:00.002-08:00

i'm reading SARK's 'juicy pens, thirsty paper' right now. she talks about writing every day. makes a rather compelling argument for it. i'm currently in the third chapter of my book and i need to get further along, you see. all last summer i promised myself i'd write this winter, but then my life exploded. i had *great* excuses to skip the work. but now it's calmed down and i'm still not writing. hmmmm....

this turquoise alien woman looks as though she doesn't believe me... am i to be believed?

beth needs

2009-03-17T17:20:00.003-08:00

what you do is go to a search engine and type in your name and "needs".

here's mine:

beth needs to go back to school (i wish)
beth needs to get out of the house
beth needs to rediscover what made us fall in love with her in the first place (oooookay)
beth needs to come chill
beth needs a considerable raise in salary
beth needs sleep (yeeesss!)
beth needs to realize she has a problem (which one?!?!)
beth needs a very special family (beth has one!)
beth needs to blow off steam (yeah, well, doesnt' everyone?)

2009-03-08T15:40:00.001-08:00

she looks kinda freaked out--don't make me orange, she says.

self portrait

2009-01-27T11:56:00.001-09:00

this is a self-portrait i did a couple of years ago. my little six pound nene is in the painting with me. she really is that small.

brrrrrrzzzzzziiiiiiiiwrwrwrwrwrzee

2009-01-03T21:25:00.003-09:00

today it was horribly cold again. like -50 below. praise our guiding lights that i didn't have to go out at all. tomorrow will probably totally bring on the coldest day yet, and with my luck i will be forced to go out into itl

2008-12-30T20:27:00.002-09:00

it's been too long!

i have endometriosis. one of those things. anyway. i was in terrible pain by the end of the summer and i finally went to see my ob/gyn. seems i had an endometrial cyst the size of a large orange. my last surgery to clean out the stuff was three years ago. so i figure i'm looking at a surgery or a giant cyst every three to five years for the rest of my life. so i decided to have a total hysterectomy. soooooo....

i had the surgery six weeks ago. i'm finally not sleeping all day and feel like i can do stuff again. yay! but i've been feeling kind of depressed about the no baby thing. never to experience the baby kicking.... bitter. it'll just take awhile to grieve the loss.

new necklace

2008-07-07T13:24:00.003-08:00

i just made this a few days ago. i'm really pleased with how it came out.

focused

2008-07-07T13:14:00.005-08:00

i took this picture of my sister and her 5 year old daughter, deborah. i love how focused they are on the task. deborah *hated* having her nails clipped until just recently. becca (my sister) has brilliantly came up with the idea of bribing her with getting her nails polished if she lets mama clip her nails. so now it's this special thing that they do together. i painted my fingers black and deborah was like, "i want that color, mama!" uh, no. she gets pretty pink, purple and blue sparkly pastel shades. i'm a bad influence. naughty, naughty antie beth.

the norse woman

2008-07-04T04:44:00.003-08:00

doesn't she look kinda norse-ish? at any rate, she looks cold to me. shoulda done her in blue....

more sadness

2008-07-01T18:28:00.003-08:00

this picture is supposed to be a little girl, but she ended up looking older than she actually was. so sad. but i'm still pretty happy with it.

here is the other poem i wrote while i was in hospital.

i feel

like a hollowed out tunnel,

blasted apart. maybe this

could be a time of

cleansing. or a time of

trials.

am i being forced

through the eye of a needle, to be

something else on the other

side? ordered. orderly.

straightened and true.

oooops

2008-06-22T18:53:00.006-08:00

i just got back from the hospital.

i tried to kill myself. overdosed. 20 seroquel.

i wrote a poem about it and i'll share that. but other than that i'm not sure what to say. even though they say i've got a lot to say. hmmmm....

remembering

i remember bursts of noise,

skipping scenes of questions, "beth,

beth, what's this? what's that?"

i remember pain and

chaos.

i don't remember how bad

it was. how dangerous it got.

i don't remember them taking

my clothes. of moving from

ambulance to er, from er to

icu.

i don't want to remember why. or

how.

i remember taking the

pills. i remember that. but

i don't remember the

point. the reason escapes

me.

i don't remember why i

called the ambulance. why i

didn't just go blinking

into the dark. the in-

between.

i remember the big

reasons. the shame. the

guilt. but not the little

ones.

how did i let it go

so far?

i don't remember why

i didn't wake my family.

why didn't i call them

instead of emergency?

how close did i come?

how far did i go? how

close. how far. how timid

i am. how tired i am.

i don't remember waking.

i don't remember sleeping.

i don't remember anything.

oh, no

2008-06-15T15:23:00.003-08:00

i find myself, just a few hours after posting such a contented post, crying for no apparent reason. i decided to do somthing useful with myself by going online. at least i can kinda keep my mind of myself. i miss my best friend, valette. she lives in anchorage (about a seven hour drive from here in fairbanks) so there's not a lot of chances to go visit her. maybe i'm feeling a little sorry for myself. not too happy with where i am, what i'm doing. not sure what else to say. so sad such a nice day turned into such a lame day without much happening to change it.

quiet sunday

2008-06-15T07:53:00.004-08:00

i woke up this morning just before six. i lay there a little while with my dear nene pressed up against my tummy and thought about not getting up. it's so nice to lie there all warm on a day where you have no obligations or places to go or people to see.

no one else is up which makes it doubly blessed silence but for the wind chimes in the breeze. i breath deep. good day.

this is another self-portrait. it was an experiment 'cause i'd never worked with pen and ink before. so the proportions are off but i still like the suspicion in her eyes. and the lips are practically perfect. all in all, not that bad.

some art

2008-06-12T15:46:00.003-08:00

this is the first picture in my sketchbook. it's of my sister, rebecca. the black furry thing on the other side of the book is my cat, mnemosyne. that's pronounced nee-moss-y-nee. i call her nene (pronounced nee-nee). she is my precious treasure. and tiny, as i've mentioned before. six pounds. she's scared of *everything*, especially my two nieces, ages 2 and 5. we all live together so she spends a lot of time downstairs (where i live) or behind my chair. poor little thing. she is really the sweetest cat. the only cat sweeter is our dear tiger. tiger was the first cat we had, and was becca's. she's the uber cat, perfect in every way. she loved everyone (but especially becca), was calm and kind. one time she bit my finger when we were playing and you should have seen the look of horror on her face. she had not meant to do that! she was so sorry! she let you pet her wherever you wanted to, including her belly, her feet, and her tail. really, i can not say enough about tiger. she is the paragon that i hold every other cat up to, which really isn't fair. but life's not fair, princess. nene would be perfect if she weren't so scared of everything and everyone. she spends her time running away from everyone, which is probably why she's so skinny.

i did not start this out to be an ode to my cats, but there you have it. an ode to my precious dear ones.

no photos

2008-06-12T14:10:00.003-08:00

it's totally raining, like a bucket turned over kinda rain. and it's thundering. so no art photos today. so sad. the reason i'm all hot and bothered over it is that the camera (which is not my camera, but my sisters) has been full of other photos. becca downloaded those, though, so it's available again. hence me being all, "i want to take the photos *now*." i guess i could try taking some inside.... will experiment.

self-discipline, part two

2008-06-12T09:17:00.003-08:00

i've been thinking about the self-discipline thing more and have an adendum to add.

i'm actually really self-disciplined with my jobs. i give like, 110% at work. i *overwork* my self, throw my spirit into it. and get crushed and pummeled in return. so far my job experiences have not been positive. but i'm proud of how hard i worked. so that's something cool to think about.

i was going to take a bunch of pictures of my artwork today, but it's all overcast and i want to take the pictures outside, since the pictures i think are really good that i've seen on the internet tend to be taken outside, without a flash. the photos of paintings i've taken inside tend to have a glare because i need the flash to illuminate the pictures. hmmmm.....

my best friends' dog was killed this week by a motorist. i'm so heartbroken. she was the dearest little thing, so loving and good. i'll miss her terribly. and i ache for my sweet friend. it's *so* hard, losing a pet. people don't get it. you're falling apart and they're like, jeez, it's just a dog. it's not like a family member died, they say. but they *are* a family member. dear, sweet lacey--i expect to see you in heaven. i love you, valette, and hope you will soon be able to remember her with joy instead of pain.

epiphany

2008-06-09T19:07:00.003-08:00

i had a major epiphany last night. it's rather embarrassing that i didn't know this about myself.

i have no self-discipline. none. zilch. nada.

*why* has it taken me this long to figure this out? and then there's the embarrassment over the fact that i have no self-discipline. how old am i? two? i can't make myself do something i don't want to do. i just can't. there's nothing i can say to myself. nothing that i can trick myself into doing. if i don't wanna to do something, i just bloody well don't do it.

the effects of this failing are far reaching. i don't like a class i'm supposed to take to graduate? quit school. i don't like housework? let it lie. i don't want to eat that? so don't. i don't even think i'm aware of all the effects of this bad, bad, bad thing.

but i can say that i'm a bad person because of this. or a person doing bad things. or a person not doing bad things.....

horrible news

2008-06-07T21:46:00.003-08:00

i just heard from my dear aunt that my 15 year old cousin was raped by a friend. oh, my, god. why do these things happen? how can i continue to believe in a good and loving god when things like this happen to good people? the question of pain and suffering. for a long time i thought that we *learn* from our suffering. the sifting of the wheat kind of thing. those that were meant to do good would become better people and those that will do bad things will just fall farther. now i'm not so sure. doesn't that seem cold-blooded? to make good people better and bad people worse. it's not fair! and god, do i know that life's not fair, princess. i guess we'll all just muddle through, like we always do. but i expect some answers.

bad movies

2008-06-03T14:53:00.003-08:00

we watched cloverfield. well, i watched the first forty minutes of it and was finally driven from the room with the worst migraine i've had in a while. the herky jerky camera was enough to drive my poor sister to vomit. and the movie itself. people i didn't care about. didn't mind when they died. spoiler-- and they did all die in the end. my mom and brother-in-law made it all the way through. jake hated it, mom thought it was okay, nothing great. the monster itself; was it supposed to be the kraken? what were those things falling off it? babies? friends who came along for the carnage? hmmm....
i love sci-fi and fantasy. but this was an insult to my favored genre. don't see it. it's a waste of time and you might just lose your lunch.

commitments

2008-06-01T14:32:00.003-08:00

i've just finished reading "Artful Blogging" by Somerset Studio. makes me want to blog more regularly. i think i need more of a focus for my blog, rather than just journaling at random. also, the bio on my blog is incredibly annoying; it's the bio for my other blog, the one my sister and i share to show of our jewelry. we *are* sisters, but having the bio on this blog makes no sense. i wonder how to get that fixed.
i think i want to focus more on my art than on plain journaling, which means i need to photograph my work. scary. so that's my new commitment. more regular updates, more art. let's see how it goes.

sad again

2007-10-05T19:36:00.000-08:00

summers over, now. so i'm getting sad again. and my wonderful weekend with valette has come and gone and she is back in anchorage. so sad. it's been a long fall, so that's been cool. no snow yet, but i *know* it's time for the long goodnight and that's just bumming me out.

we've got about six bazaars lined up for the season. we had great success at farmers market this summer, which turned out to be loads of fun. i like the culture of the market, setting up next to the same people every week and buying vegetables from the same vendors each time. i'll miss the commrederie of it over the winter. i'm looking forward to saturdays off in january, when bazaar season is over.

my cat, nene, is getting more settled with the extra people in the house. she actually let jake pet her the other day. yay!

here's an untitled poem.

in the last days of
summer, spires of spent snapdragons
rise, holding tight to their blossoms
of burnt popcorn, high above the brown
carpet of pansies in my garden. ladybugs
nestle amidst the leaves, bedding down for winter.

my window

2007-08-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

there's a window in my room,
square and small,
sized just for one. it looks
out onto sloping grass,
growing long in the hazy
months of eternal summer.

it's a thinking window,
made for contemplation.
in a cozy curled up
position, i can see
further than the view allows

what's your blog rated?

2007-08-08T22:53:00.000-08:00

Mingle² - Houston Singles

so, okay. shouldn't poetry get a nice juicy "R" rating? but no. just a "G". so sad.

2007-08-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

easily broken

i am unfired clay, brittle
on the shelf, thin as a shaft
of hair. you do not see the fragility,
only the thick unyeilding wall
of silence i've carefully crafted. you
think i'm cold. look harder. it's fear.

oh. my. god.

2007-07-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

i can't believe i haven't posted since march (!). a lot has happened, but most importantly, becca and i got some of our jewelry accepted at alaska rag company and we've already sold some stuff. yay!
so here's a poem i don't think i've posted yet.

sin

there is a strange unity in moonlight.
everything equal and alien, familiar landmarks made
unknown and distant. untrustable are my eyes as the house
becomes an icon, luminous, precise,
weighty. i am in danger of slowing. looking too closely. seeing
what is not there. there

is signifigance where you are but i
conceal my heart like a ghost, flickering,
bewildered by this fall towards you. fear keeps me far from
letting go. i refuse to see. appearances deceive.
do you lie as you look at me? or is it me lying to you? unreliable,
my heart, leading me down passages foreign, you at the end,
smiling your distant smile, holding truth in your fist like money.

2007-03-24T14:54:00.000-08:00

baggage

so we're driving through nebraska
silver trees and fields of corn
flashing past like someone's
memory of how it used to be.
and it's raining like confetti
when someone's born or marilyn
monroe comes to town. and
we're arguing again.
i can't remember what
it's all about anymore.

and i remember when we
couldn't hold each other
long enough. when the world
was the sky and you loved me.
there's a lake to the right of us,
it's surface pocked by rain.
did you notice it? how long
has it been since you've noticed
me? the sun is setting in front of us.
brilliant orange and red. behind
us the sky is violet. you don't
ask why i'm looking back.

two poems

2007-02-23T16:13:00.000-09:00

she is

you are a poet in the quiet
moments, a whittler of
words, slowly paring down
to the meaning of it. don't

silence your voice with the busyness,
errands and agendas of little
consequence that will
or won't get done. breathe
and it is of more importance
than anything else you've ever done.

falling

this is my dream; i'm walking
down a corridor and i'm alone.
truly alone. there's the sound of my
feet padding across the tiled floor
and then nothing. silence like
gravity. it becomes black.
and i think of you.

but i'm not falling in
love with you, you so far away and
perfect in that distance. with
your details blurred like memory or a good
monet. and i keep filling in your
features, or weak spots, as if
i'm dreaming you in to existence.

sin

2007-02-10T14:51:00.000-09:00

sin

there is a strange unity in moonlight.
everything equal and alien, familiar landmarks made
unknown and distant. untrustable are my eyes as the house
becomes an icon, luminous, precise,
weighty. i am in danger of slowing. looking too closely. seeing
what is not there. there

is signifigance where you are but i
conceal my heart like a ghost, flickering,
bewildered by this fall towards you. fear keeps me far from
letting go. i refuse to see. appearances deceive.
do you lie as you look at me? or is it me lying to you? unreliable,
my heart, leading me down passages foreign, you at the end,
smiling your distant smile, holding truth in your fist like money.

two untitled poems

2007-01-17T14:55:00.000-09:00

i stumble in the morning, trying
to find a way towards where i need
to go. i am so clumsy with myself
and with you, allowing things to seperate
us, an ice flow in the bering sea, you
on one berg and me on another. i get
so careless with my fears, allow them
to feed on me like carnivorous gnats.
i let life happen to me, tripping
blindly at each new catastrophe, powerless.
you float farther away. i feel so cold.

something holds me away from
myself. i think it is possibly
the fear of self-realization. if i were
to get too close, i would see how
meaningless this all is. i'm feeling
broken. i'm thinking, i don't know how to fix
me. i'm wondering if i can be saved.
too far gone, maybe, like soured milk or rotten
eggs. just throw me out, unused and wasted.

oh, my

2007-01-15T14:45:00.000-09:00

a week ago i got in my little head that i wanted to read odd thomas by dean koontz. no one had told me i needed to read it. it was just this sudden *need*. i couldn't go to the library, 'cause i had an overdue book that i couldn't find, so i went in search of it at the stores. finally found it at barnes and noble. read it. loved it. have strangely avoided dean koontz. don't know why. just wasn't interested. so i read the second one, forever odd, which becca got for christmas. loved it, too. when i finally found that missing library book, i ran to the library and checked out more books by him. oh, my. have i become a dean koontz fan? how embarrassing.

winter

2007-01-11T15:28:00.000-09:00

winter

yesterday was desperation.
flicker close, quicken me.
break my soul, touch my
false belief.
remember sorrow.
tear past this fake
emotion. compel me to
feel, to fight, to win.
destroy this winter.

dad

2007-01-10T13:15:00.000-09:00

i did this painting in the months before my dad's death. i wanted to capture the gauntness of his hand, the swollen joints. the feeling of passing.

speaking in tongues

2007-01-09T16:12:00.000-09:00

speaking in tongues

my mouth
says things i don't
intend to say. it's
an artesian well, springing
forth with pressure from
some unknown
source. stop
this clumsy
tongue. save stupidity
for another day.